Thursday, December 11, 2008
more jokes!
Before and After Falling In LoveBefore - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I’m suffocating
Before - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…
Before - The Sound of Music
After - The Sound of Silence
Before - It’s like I’m in a dream
After - It’s like he’s in a dorm
Before - $60/dozen
After - $1.50/stem
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?
Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl
Before - Ideal
After - Idle
Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat
Before - He’s completely lost without me
After - Why won’t he ever ask for directions?
Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhere
Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant
Before - Blind
After - Nearsighted
Before - You look so seductive in black
After - Your clothes are so depressing
Before - Iambic Pentameter
After - Blank Verse
Before - Oysters
After - Fish sticks
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you.
The Benefits of Growing Older (and you thought there weren’t any) * In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Things you buy now won’t wear out.
* You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* You can eat dinner at 4:00.
* You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
* You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
* You can constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
* You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* You got cable for the weather channel.
* You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
* You give lots of money to charities.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You have an age advantage whenever you need it.
* Your Congressman pays attention to you.
* You are not expected to keep up with technology or understand it.
* You get travel and entertainment discounts.
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* You can dance to the oldest music and no one laughs at you.
* People come to you for help with their antique cars.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Proposed Alcohol Warning LabelsWARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring stories over and over.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 a.m.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion tthat you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big mean guy named Chuck.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause a tear in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
The Great EscapeThree thieves — a smart guy, an average guy and a dumb guy, are arrested and sent to prison for stealing a car.
The three prisoners are placed in separate cells. The smartest of the three somehow manages to get hold of the keys and unlocks each of their cells. They then break out a window to make their escape.
The smart guy goes first. He sees a wall blocking his escape route and begins climbing a nearby tree to get over the wall. As he reaches the top of the tree, a guard on the other side hears him.
“Who’s there?” asked the guard.
The smart guy replies with a convincing “Meow. Meow.”
“Oh,” says the guard, “it’s only a cat in a tree.” So, the guard wanders off and the smart guy gets away.
The average guy goes next. He climbs the same tree, and the same guard hears him. “Who’s there?”
“Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet.”
The guard mutters, “It’s only a bird in a tree,” and wanders off, allowing the average guy to get away.
The dumb guy has witnessed the events. He climbs the same tree to make his escape over the same wall and is overheard by the same guard.
“Who’s there?” the guard demands.
“Moo. Moo.”.
Hallmark Card RejectsI’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though,
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
For every year that goes by, Mother, I just
think of that inheritance getting closer and closer…
I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.
They say that an attractive human body is worth a million
dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly self.
When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
The holidays are a great time to be with family.
Of course, your family won’t be with you,
since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister.
We have been friends for a very long time,
let’s say we call it quits.
I’m so miserable without you,
it’s almost like you’re here.
If you ever need a friend…
buy a dog.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Escaped
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